My Disillusioned Self

I have decided to take this blog in a slightly new direction. When I started this blog I was in my Mid-Late teens and this blog reflected the teenage angst/growing pains/looking for my place in the world.

Life has changed a lot for me with many bad and good things that have happened along the way. This blog will still reflect my personal thoughts and late night ramblings like it always has. The difference you will see is that I am now a “twenty-something” and  while I am still “looking” for my place in the world my ideas and opinions have become more concrete.

In short, the new direction is the same as the old direction but, you might notice a drastic change in opinions and a slightly improved outlook.

Oh, and it wouldn’t be a two year later update if I didn’t include the obligatory promise of “I will update this site sooner and more frequently than I have in the past”

FOCUS…… That’s what life is about. F.O.C.U.S. Fighting opposition by capturing the understanding of strength. I am me. Want to come for a wild ride? You’re more then welcome if you think you can keep up. Only thing I ask is that you bring something more to the table than good looks. Wait, that’s all you have to offer? Maybe you can catch a ride some other time.

I’m sick of searching for the point. I’m sick of trying to find meaning in nothing. I’m sick of fake friendships and lack of affection. I’m sick of trying to fit in when there is no place. I’m sick of striving for the top but, not having the motivation to keep it up. I’m sick of watching others succeed where I have failed. I’m sick of the disappointment of failure. I’m sick of believing I’m on top but ending up on the bottom. It’s the sickness of everything that is consuming me. I’m hurt, but I don’t bleed. I cry, but I don’t make a sound. I feel, but don’t show emotion. It’s the lack of being in sync with the world that drives me to insanity. If you don’t fit in and you always have to fake it, what’s the point? I should just end it……………………………………………………………………………………………………………

If you don’t want me at my worst, don’t expect me at my best.  I’ll just laugh and smile and act like the rest.

What happened to all the nice guys?

The answer is simple: you did.

See, if you think back, really hard, you might vaguely remember a Platonic guy pal who always seemed to want to spend time with you. He’d tag along with you when you went shopping, stop by your place for a movie when you were lonely but didn’t feel like going out, or even sit there and hold you while you sobbed and told him about how horribly the (other) guy that you were fucking treated you.

At the time, you probably joked with your girlfriends about how he was a little puppy dog, always following you around, trying to do things to get you to pay attention to him. They probably teased you because they thought he had a crush on you. Given that his behavior was, admittedly, a little pathetic, you vehemently denied having any romantic feelings for him, and buttressed your position by claiming that you were “just friends.” Besides, he totally wasn’t your type. I mean, he was a little too short, or too bald, or too fat, or too poor, or didn’t know how to dress himself, or basically be or do any of the things that your tall, good-looking, fit, rich, stylish boyfriend at the time pulled off with such ease.

Eventually, your Platonic buddy drifted away, as your relationship with the boyfriend got more serious and spending time with this other guy was, admittedly, a little weird, if you werent dating him. More time passed, and the boyfriend eventually cheated on you, or became boring, or you realized that the things that attracted you to him weren’t the kinds of things that make for a good, long-term relationship. So, now, you’re single again, and after having tried the bar scene for several months having only encountered players and douche bags, you wonder, “What happened to all the nice guys?”

Well, once again, you did.

You ignored the nice guy. You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy. You laughed at his consideration and resented his devotion. You valued the aloof boyfriend more than the attentive “just-a-” friend. Eventually, he took the hint and moved on with his life. He probably came to realize, one day, that women aren’t really attracted to guys who hold doors open; or make dinners just because; or buy you a Christmas gift that you mentioned, in passing, that you really wanted five months ago; or listen when you’re upset; or hold you when you cry. He came to realize that, if he wanted a woman like you, he’d have to act more like the boyfriend that you had. He probably cleaned up his look, started making some money, and generally acted like more of an asshole than he ever wanted to be.

Fact is, now, he’s probably getting laid, and in a way, your ultimate rejection of him is to thank for that. And I’m sorry that it took the complete absence of “nice guys” in your life for you to realize that you missed them and wanted them. Most women will only have a handful of nice guys stumble into their lives, if that.

So, if you’re looking for a nice guy, here’s what you do:

1.) Build a time machine.
2.) Go back a few years and pull your head out of your ass.
3.) Take a look at what’s right in front of you and grab ahold of it.

I suppose the other possibility is that you STILL don’t really want a nice guy, but you feel the social pressure to at least appear to have matured beyond your infantile taste in men. In which case, you might be in luck, because the nice guy you claim to want has, in reality, shed his nice guy mantle and is out there looking to unleash his cynicism and resentment onto someone just like you.

If you were five years younger.

So, please: either stop misrepresenting what you want, or own up to the fact that you’ve fucked yourself over. You’re getting older, after all. It’s time to excise the bullshit and deal with reality. You didn’t want a nice guy then, and he certainly doesn’t fucking want you, now.

Sincerely,

A Recovering Nice Guy

—— Pulled from the Best of craigslist ——

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/483318927.html

I last left you with the question of “What do I want?” What do we all want? We strive for the perfections of the expectations of reality. The problem that makes the answer so hard is that our expectations of reality never match what reality is. We constantly chase the dragon of perfection, trying to relive the high of our first misled and naive fantasy of reality. We remove the fun of the unexpected and hype it up to a point, that even if you do receive what you think you want, you no longer enjoy what you have strived for. It’s our poisoning of the beauty of simplicity. We have lost the ability to live in the moment, feel what we are feeling and listen to our instincts. The constant thinking of things that have no relevance to the enjoyment of the moment. The “what if’s ” and “should I’s” of the world have brought us to a point of losing our humanity. What I am trying to say is spontaneity is what I want. It is what we all want. We want affection that is not expected, long drives for no reason,meeting people we don’t know, long conversations with people we do know and getting to know them better by doing the unexpected and unplanned.

The ability to experience is shaded by our lies. What we want is honesty. Yet, we program ourselves to be dishonest and cover it up by calling it a “little white lie”. Shrouded in the indecency of the white lie is the human connection of acceptance and respect of others opinions. Raw emotions then become unexpected because they are constantly filtered by our irrationality to not accept what really is.

Love is a perfect example of the shroud of indecency stripping us of what it is to enjoy the experience. We want love but we can not accept what the concept means. We think that love requires more than a strong friendship with honesty, trust and mutual respect. What we fail to realize is that nothing else is required of love and anything that does not include these things is a lie.

I think that is enough to think about for this post. Some more next time!

I was asked an interesting question the other day. It intrigued me so much so that I have to share it.  It all started with me and drunken text messages. Wait. Before I go any further, let me tell everyone if they don’t know already, DRUNKENNESS AND TEXT MESSAGES DO NOT GO TOGETHER!  O.K. Now that that’s taken care of, you must be saying to yourself  “What the hell is the question?”.

“So what do you want?”; Five words, five words that left me speechless and unable to answer the question at hand.  At first glance it seems simple enough, tell the person who asked it what you want and its done.  What happens if you don’t know what you want?

Sit with that for a day. I’ll explore it my next post.

It’s amazing the remnants of yesterday that appear in my head. Random images and feelings that have passed; Ideas barely remembered and lost in the darkness of time; Random images and experiences which will never be relived; Hopes devoured by desperation. Where does it go when nothing is left? Unfortunately the answer is not poetic. It is all lost, destroyed with the observer, filed away indefinitely to be forgotten, rotting in the future of timeless existence.

Where has life gone since December 2006(the date of my last post)? I mean, hell like all things in life it seems to have come out of nowhere. I left you all last time with my grandmother sick and dying in the hospital. Well, she’s gone hopefully to a better place than this weird, weird, world that we live in. Since then, the winter has gone, the summer has come, and – HOLY SHIT! the summer is over and we are already into the fall months.
The speed at which life passes us really caught up with me on my birthday this year. I mean, I’m still young at the barely lived life age of 23 but I mean really, where has all the time gone? Sometimes I just sit around and think about all the time people, myself included, waste in life. We’re always looking for the next big thing, never really realizing what’s going on right in front of our faces.