My Disillusioned Self

The path to here

Sometimes I look back at my life and laugh. Not because it’s funny, although there have been many funny moments it. I look back and laugh because all the convoluted paths that have been taken to reach now. Never in my life if you asked me 10 years ago where I would be would I say where I am today.

I guess in order to look at the past I would have to look at the present. In order to get to the present the past seems like a nice road to take.

Who am I? My name’s Justin. Who am I? A College Student. Who am I? It has been 21 years and I still don’t know. I was a loser in middle school. I was a loner in Military School. After I got kicked out of there I was a loner in a shit hole of a school called Hewlett. I eventually got fed up with there because I was extremely outspoken and did not get along with the administration. In college I changed, I didn’t let things get to me anymore. I decided to take all the responsibility I have ever put on myself and say fuck it. Four years later I’m still in college with no degree. Where am I going with my life?

I’ve had numerous girlfriends. Some I could say I even loved, two actually. What happened with them? One of them disappeared and I never spoke to her again. I found her on myspace four or five months ago. She hasn’t signed on in about a year but she has a kid now and seems happy with her life. The other love? Well, she just recently moved on leaving me a lovestruck fool who would do anything for her. She used me and I think it had to be one of the most abusive relationships I will ever have as the same for her.

I feel so disconnected from people. It’s something that I never really thought I would ever want to do, you know, “connect with people”. I’m missing that human connection. I always have to put up this facade and hope people don’t realize who I really am. Who am I really? Lately it seems like I just don’t really care about anything. I want to connect with people but I just don’t care about their welfare. Fuck that, I don’t even care about my own welfare lately.

I have turned into someone I don’t like. I have turned into someone I told myself I would never turn into. I have turned into a manipulative person who only cares about their self gain. Is that really true though? Is that how I truly see myself? I don’t know how I see myself anymore. All I see myself as is a college student who is barely passing and hopefully graduates in two years. Yeah, that’s right, SIX YEARS for two bachelors degrees. What the fuck have I been doing?

It’s time for me to stop fucking around and actually accomplish things in my life. Where do I start? There’s so much I have to fix. I’m looking up out of the hole I’ve dug myself into for the last 21 years. I guess I have to come face reality that life isn’t fun. Life is work. I hate work. I wish there was a way to enjoy life doing what I am currently doing without working. There has to be a way to free myself from the way everything is going. It’s a downward never ending spiral.

I don’t know what I’m really trying to accomplish with this blog entry. My thoughts are all over the place and it doesn’t really make any sense. Maybe, just maybe, in the morning I can look back on this entry and wonder what the fuck was I thinking. Why am I being so hard on myself. It’s that depression thing. I go from happy to sad all the time. I should probably seek psychiatric help. It’s not so bad as long as you have more highs than lows right?

I don’t know. It’s 11:42PM here and I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. Until next time.