My Disillusioned Self

Always Searching

Why is it that the times that I write in my blog are the times that I’m either the most depressed or confused? I guess the reason has to be that I don’t hold back. Everything that I say and do online is the real me, this is my real journal.
Why do I write in my journal? I guess the reason would have to be that I’m always searching. What am I searching for? That’s a question I guess I have to eventually ask myself.
Life is funny. I’m not sure if it’s funny humourous or if it’s funny like sad. Can it be neither? It goes by so fast. One minute your next to the person you love and the next minute they’re gone. I called my ex girlfriend today;God I miss her. She answered the phone and was at a party. No suprise that I heard a guy in the background. What did I do?
It seems only yesterday that we were together and everything was alright. I can think back and remember everything. Laying there next to her had to be the best times in my life. Hugging her, kissing her, just being there next to her hodling her close. I wish I could pause all those moments and put them together and live them for the rest of my life.
I guess I should move on though. That’s what life is about right? Moving on without asking any questions always searching for something better than now. I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. Why not RIGHT FUCKING NOW!? I’m sick of putting things off to tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do this, tomorrow I’ll do that, maybe tomorrow we should… TODAY is my day, TODAY is the day that I say I’m living TODAY. You know what fuck today! I’m living right now!
I think I’m a little crazy. Actually, I know I’m a fucking lunatic. That’s ok by me though because I never really knew how to live life until now. I’m always trying to please other people and make other people happy. Go to college, I never wanted to go to college. I actually wanted to go to culinary school. I’m glad I did go to college though. It has allowed me to find something I really enjoyed. But what’s the point? I mean why finish? Everything those “teachers” teach me is fucking easy. Why not just read a book that I spend $80 and say fuck the ridiculous tuition.
I don’t know. I guess that’s not really the point of this post. As a matter of fact It’s 5:30 in the morning and I have enought energy to go jogging and work out for hours. What am I trying to say? Well, I’m telling my ex I love her. If she reacts badly? Well then I guess I’m just shit out of luck. I’m going to lose 20lbs by the end of my summer and I’m starting right now. I’m about 21 years overdo. I’m finishing my website by the end of the week. I’m going to ace my interview on the 11th. If I don’t succeed who cares? I mean everything that I’m doing is because I want to right? Why live with any regret? I’m sure if I’m doing it it’s because I want to do it. At this point I feel like the only regret I will ever have is not doing what I want to do. NO MORE! I’m going to make sure I do everything I can to get everything I want. And if I fail? Who cares I wouldn’t of had it anyway. So what am I searching for? I still don’t know. What I do know is maybe what I am searching for is not important. Maybe the very act of searching is the lesson I have to learn. Maybe, just maybe, the whole purpose of life is to search, get lost, fail and pick yourself back up again and then when you’re just about to give up you stumble upon what you want. Poetic no? My life is my life and I’m in control of it.