My Disillusioned Self

Fear

I was at the train station on Friday waiting to come home from a long day of work. Of course the bus was late and made me miss the train. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me waiting for the next train that comes in about an hour.
While waiting I was thinking, thinking can be a dangerous thing when you do not guide it. What keeps us going? I mean, what keeps us from jumping in front of the train when it passes by? What keeps us from just hitting the gas when driving and driving it off a cliff? What keeps us wanting to preserve life?
FEAR. It’s a scary word by itself. We all have fears whether we choose to recognize them or not. Fears of inability, incompetence, non-performance, Fear that maybe there is no point to everything or anything for that matter. Could life be completely unimportant and an accident?
A man interrupts me asking what time the train comes.
I ask “East bound or west bound?”
He looks at me with that confused look. I see he’s with his family and his little girl.
“To Penn Station or away from Penn Station?”
“To Penn Station” he replies.
I pull out my time table and tell the man the time. He thanks me and says that I look like i do this alot.
“Unfortunately” I reply.
“I hear that” he says.
Does he really hear that? A man with his family not knowing in which direction he is heading with them? Is he trying to say that he hears the inability to find direction? Maybe I’m looking to deep into it, maybe he just needed to say something as to feel important with the conversation.
I walk back and forth waiting for the train and listen to the conversation the parents are having with the little girl. It’s her first time on a train and she’s so excited! She says that she’s scared. How wonderful it is to be young and full of fear but so joyous of the unknown.
A train passes by. No, not my train just a train passing by. The sound is loud and almost deafning but I can hear the father yelling at the little girl to stay out of the yellow lines. Protecting her, protecting her from her joyous fear?
A not so old lady sits in a hospital as I’m waiting for this train. Single mother all her life. Got rid of the abusive husband and raised her child the best way she knew how. All her life was filled with tragedy trying to protect her child from knowing the fear of the world. She worked two jobs sometimes more to protect her child. Gave her child everything that she could possibly give.
The child gets pregnant and has a boy. Life will be hard for that child. Old lady is dieing and upset feeling like she could of given more to her child and grandchildren. She feels upset with life and the only other thing she regrets is not having an anniversary. Not having anyone to share those hard times with. She fears what the future holds and just wants someone there although, the future looks short and bleak.

My train arrives breaking me out of the gravity of introspection and I continue my day like nothing ever happened. Fear shielding me from exploring the thoughts of truth further. Fear hiding the details of life clouding them and tricking us into believing everything is alright. It is only at the end that we feel the fear that has been holding us back our whole lives and by that time it is to late.