My Disillusioned Self

Always Searching

June 9th, 2006 Posted in Archive | 1 Comment »

Why is it that the times that I write in my blog are the times that I’m either the most depressed or confused? I guess the reason has to be that I don’t hold back. Everything that I say and do online is the real me, this is my real journal.
Why do I write in my journal? I guess the reason would have to be that I’m always searching. What am I searching for? That’s a question I guess I have to eventually ask myself.
Life is funny. I’m not sure if it’s funny humourous or if it’s funny like sad. Can it be neither? It goes by so fast. One minute your next to the person you love and the next minute they’re gone. I called my ex girlfriend today;God I miss her. She answered the phone and was at a party. No suprise that I heard a guy in the background. What did I do?
It seems only yesterday that we were together and everything was alright. I can think back and remember everything. Laying there next to her had to be the best times in my life. Hugging her, kissing her, just being there next to her hodling her close. I wish I could pause all those moments and put them together and live them for the rest of my life.
I guess I should move on though. That’s what life is about right? Moving on without asking any questions always searching for something better than now. I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. Why not RIGHT FUCKING NOW!? I’m sick of putting things off to tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do this, tomorrow I’ll do that, maybe tomorrow we should… TODAY is my day, TODAY is the day that I say I’m living TODAY. You know what fuck today! I’m living right now!
I think I’m a little crazy. Actually, I know I’m a fucking lunatic. That’s ok by me though because I never really knew how to live life until now. I’m always trying to please other people and make other people happy. Go to college, I never wanted to go to college. I actually wanted to go to culinary school. I’m glad I did go to college though. It has allowed me to find something I really enjoyed. But what’s the point? I mean why finish? Everything those “teachers” teach me is fucking easy. Why not just read a book that I spend $80 and say fuck the ridiculous tuition.
I don’t know. I guess that’s not really the point of this post. As a matter of fact It’s 5:30 in the morning and I have enought energy to go jogging and work out for hours. What am I trying to say? Well, I’m telling my ex I love her. If she reacts badly? Well then I guess I’m just shit out of luck. I’m going to lose 20lbs by the end of my summer and I’m starting right now. I’m about 21 years overdo. I’m finishing my website by the end of the week. I’m going to ace my interview on the 11th. If I don’t succeed who cares? I mean everything that I’m doing is because I want to right? Why live with any regret? I’m sure if I’m doing it it’s because I want to do it. At this point I feel like the only regret I will ever have is not doing what I want to do. NO MORE! I’m going to make sure I do everything I can to get everything I want. And if I fail? Who cares I wouldn’t of had it anyway. So what am I searching for? I still don’t know. What I do know is maybe what I am searching for is not important. Maybe the very act of searching is the lesson I have to learn. Maybe, just maybe, the whole purpose of life is to search, get lost, fail and pick yourself back up again and then when you’re just about to give up you stumble upon what you want. Poetic no? My life is my life and I’m in control of it.

Today and Tomorrow

June 7th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

I read something today. I wish I knew the address of the page so I could give the person propper credit but I can not find it anywhere. That being said I do not have the link and will paraphrase it for you.

A traveller was walking through the forest and came across a ferrocious bear. The traveller ran from the bear in the only direction that he could and ends up at the edge of a cliff. Petrified of the bear the man’s only chance is to climb down the cliff on a vine. The traveller begins his descent down the vine and sees at the bottom that there is a lion, waiting to devour him. To make matters worse, there are two rats, a white one and a black one, gnawing at the vine the traveller is on. The traveller is confused and does not know whether to climb back up to where he was and face the bear or to climb down the rope and meet his demise as the rats gnawing on the rope will surely kill him. At his moment of despair, the traveller catches a glimpse of something red in the corner of his eye. He looks and sees a strawberry plant with a red strawberry. Reaching out he grabs that strawberry and tates its delicousness, being completely lost in the moment.

Sex, Drugs, Relationships, Disillusioned, Blog, College, Fraternity

May 31st, 2006 Posted in Archive | 1 Comment »

Apparently my site is not keyword rich.  For those of you who have no idea what the hell I am talking about, let me explain.

Search engines such as google rank sites based on keywords.  A keyword is a word that is used often in a site.  For example, if I were to use the word sex a lot in my blog, sex, would be a keyword.

My only dillema is what keywords do I want associated with this site?  This is a personal blog and by its very nature covers so many different topics.  I find this whole keyword thing interesting and tomorrow will post a howto on making your site google friendly and how to get targeted advertisements on google using keywords.

Other than the keyword stuffing article I’m going to write tomorrow I’m seriously sexually frustrated.  I mean I need sex like woah right now and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Any female readers willing to help me out?

Some Introspection

May 29th, 2006 Posted in Archive | 5 Comments »

When did I become such a coward? I mean, it just kind of snuck up on me out of nowhere. I was at the bar the other night with my cousin Billy and his soon to be Son in Law Vinny, drinking pitcher after pitcher of Yueng Ling, when I see this beautiful girl. Now, I was sufficiently hammered at the time and by no means at all should have even had the idea of trying to pick someone up in my condition. But, that unfortunately is not the point. The point is, even while drunk, I didn’t have the balls to approach her. What is wrong with me?

The situation could not have been better. All her friends were dancing on the dance floor with some guys and she was sitting ALONE watching them with that look in her eyes that she wanted to be there also. How much better could that have been you ask? Well, she caught me looking, smiled at me and I still didn’t approach her! You know what I did instead? I downed two more pints of Yueng Ling and didn’t look that way for the rest of the night.

I find my social anxiety funny. Not funny ha-ha but, funny cry me a river type of funny. It never used to be so bad and I used to be able to force myself to cope with it and after a few minutes I would be fine. As I’m getting older though, it seems to paralyze me at social situations. I mean, how am I ever supposed to meet anyone new if this just keeps getting worse? Should I seek help? Am I broken? Is this normal? I don’t know the answers to any of the questions in my head. All I do know is that something in me has to change because, the way I am now is completely unacceptable.

Off to Glenn Brook Farm

May 26th, 2006 Posted in Archive | 1 Comment »

Today my family and I went on a trip that we take every year. At the end of the trip we end up at a nice family type resort that I’ll probably bring my kids to when I decide to have some. I’m not going to write about that today though because I have all weekend to do that.

What I am going to write about today is what my little sister made me realize. I was sitting on the couch waiting for everybody to finish packing up hanging out with my sister. I like hanging out with my sister because I don’t get to do it that often and I really love her. She reminds me so much like myself as far as her attitude when I was that age. So, we were just sitting there listening to music on the ipod and I was letting her listen to the new bands that I found. She found a song she liked and said that she remembers the first time that she listened to sublime it was with me. It was such a simple comment but it made me melt inside because that was my sister having a memory about her first time of something that she enjoyed with me. I know it doesn’t seem like much but that just floored me for some strange reason. It was like I’m actually part of this world and that I will be remembered by somebody. It’s such a novel idea and for some reason it’s something so simple that confuses and intrigues me so much. I guess I shouldn’t make a big deal of it but I can’t get it out of my head and I know after some introspective searching I might find out what it means.

Well, enough time spent writing this blog today. I’m going to actually go outside and try to be social. So many nice looking ladies. I wonder if I actually have the balls to go approach one and start a conversation. Probably not, but we can always hope, right?

Title? I don’t need no bloody title!

May 9th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Today, today was a good day. Do you find it funny when an ex-significant other tries to keep in contact? I do!
It’s amazing! This girl can cheat on me, put me through hell, cheat on me again, put me through more hell and still thinks that I’m going to actually care about her. I don’t get people. I’m forgiving but come on what the hell are you thinking? I think I’m just going to purposely wait and hurt the bitch emotionally. She graduates college this year and what better of a present then fucking with her? Yeah, I’ll do that.
Today I registered the domain name disillusionedself.com to move my blog to eventually.
Besides all that bullshit I was bored as fuck today and can’t wait til my summer vacation starts.

Here’s something interesting…
Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents Dinner on Transbuddha

The path to here

May 5th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Sometimes I look back at my life and laugh. Not because it’s funny, although there have been many funny moments it. I look back and laugh because all the convoluted paths that have been taken to reach now. Never in my life if you asked me 10 years ago where I would be would I say where I am today.

I guess in order to look at the past I would have to look at the present. In order to get to the present the past seems like a nice road to take.

Who am I? My name’s Justin. Who am I? A College Student. Who am I? It has been 21 years and I still don’t know. I was a loser in middle school. I was a loner in Military School. After I got kicked out of there I was a loner in a shit hole of a school called Hewlett. I eventually got fed up with there because I was extremely outspoken and did not get along with the administration. In college I changed, I didn’t let things get to me anymore. I decided to take all the responsibility I have ever put on myself and say fuck it. Four years later I’m still in college with no degree. Where am I going with my life?

I’ve had numerous girlfriends. Some I could say I even loved, two actually. What happened with them? One of them disappeared and I never spoke to her again. I found her on myspace four or five months ago. She hasn’t signed on in about a year but she has a kid now and seems happy with her life. The other love? Well, she just recently moved on leaving me a lovestruck fool who would do anything for her. She used me and I think it had to be one of the most abusive relationships I will ever have as the same for her.

I feel so disconnected from people. It’s something that I never really thought I would ever want to do, you know, “connect with people”. I’m missing that human connection. I always have to put up this facade and hope people don’t realize who I really am. Who am I really? Lately it seems like I just don’t really care about anything. I want to connect with people but I just don’t care about their welfare. Fuck that, I don’t even care about my own welfare lately.

I have turned into someone I don’t like. I have turned into someone I told myself I would never turn into. I have turned into a manipulative person who only cares about their self gain. Is that really true though? Is that how I truly see myself? I don’t know how I see myself anymore. All I see myself as is a college student who is barely passing and hopefully graduates in two years. Yeah, that’s right, SIX YEARS for two bachelors degrees. What the fuck have I been doing?

It’s time for me to stop fucking around and actually accomplish things in my life. Where do I start? There’s so much I have to fix. I’m looking up out of the hole I’ve dug myself into for the last 21 years. I guess I have to come face reality that life isn’t fun. Life is work. I hate work. I wish there was a way to enjoy life doing what I am currently doing without working. There has to be a way to free myself from the way everything is going. It’s a downward never ending spiral.

I don’t know what I’m really trying to accomplish with this blog entry. My thoughts are all over the place and it doesn’t really make any sense. Maybe, just maybe, in the morning I can look back on this entry and wonder what the fuck was I thinking. Why am I being so hard on myself. It’s that depression thing. I go from happy to sad all the time. I should probably seek psychiatric help. It’s not so bad as long as you have more highs than lows right?

I don’t know. It’s 11:42PM here and I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. Until next time.

Girl with a one-track mind

April 30th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Girl with a one-track mind

I never thought there would be a female who could match my relentless sex drive. She’s a little bit older and from London but damn, it would be nice to be satisfied for once.

Crazy Idea?

April 29th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

I Shoot Porn » How Much Money do Porn Stars Make?

I know what most of you who know me may be thinking.  What the hell is Justin thinking about doing this time?  Well, start my own porn site of course!  I personally thought porn stars made more money than they did but I’m pleasantly suprised that they don’t.  I have a few website names in my mind with a few gimmicks that might work out nicely.  I might blog about them later when I actually get this thing off the ground.  Right now I’m looking for some business partners to work with me in starting my own site.  If anyone is interested contact me.

Omega — — and Sigma —- — Mixer

April 28th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Omega — — had its first mixer ever with a local sorority from Pace University. It depresses me every time I go to a real school. The fact that the other schools are so nice makes me want to just switch out of my hell hole called Farmingdale State and go somewhere else. Unfortunately, I have too much time invested in my degree program and do not feel like wasting any more time in school just because some of my credits will not transfer. But, that is a topic for a future blog post.

To say the mixer was a great success would be blatant lie. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed myself and also was extremely intoxicated by the end of the night which ended at 8:17AM. The problem is that there was supposed to be 7 sorority girls and 9 of my brothers. That alone, as far as I am concerned, makes it a sausage fest. To make it even worse when we arrived there were only 5 girls and people from other fraternities besides us! Sausage fest indeed!

I don’t know why I expected something different as when we plan things I can never get any of the brothers to fully commit to making it go smoothly and perfectly. The funny thing is that I can see the look in there faces with the question “Hey, why didn’t this go as planned?”. The problem is because YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW THE FUCKING PLAN or YOU NEED TO ACTUALLY MAKE A PLAN. I shouldn’t be to harsh as all the brothers did have a good time although none of us hooked up with any of the girls.

I think the best part of the night was picking on the poor passed out brothers on the couch who forgot to remove their shoes. For those of you don’t know it’s considered a party foul to pass out with you shoes on. When you commit this atrocious act it is the responsibility of everyone at the party to acquire a marker and draw all over you. The reason for taking your shoes off is that it signifies “Hey, I’m a little tired I’m going to crash here for a bit” and if you leave them on that signifies “Hey, I couldn’t handle my alcohol. Teach me a lesson”.

I hope the next mixer goes a whole lot better and has a little less sausage at it. Until the next blog post I’m going to take some time to recover from this throbbing hangover.

Starting my blog again

April 28th, 2006 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Today I decided it would be a good idea to start my blog up again. I’ve missed writting down all the things that go on in my head. Unfortunately, I’ve lost my domain name istartedthefire.com and will have to start over as far as traffic is concerned. I’m currently in the painstaking process of porting all my old blogs.  I should be hopefully done by the end of this week.

No Sex Tonight

November 20th, 2005 Posted in Archive | 1 Comment »

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to
take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.”
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?”

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Men’s Rules

October 13th, 2005 Posted in Jokes | 1 Comment »

Taken from Funny2.com

Men’s Rules
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Read the rest of this entry »

Another good day

October 2nd, 2005 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Today is Sunday! I’m not normally so happy about sundays but today I am. I woke up next to my baby today and that is always a good day.

Maggie and I went out last night to go see her friend Kerri Anne and her boyfriend Sam. After meeting Duane and Meghan at there back of the woods wedding I was a little skeptical, to say the least, about meeting up with them. Like I usually did though I put all presumptions of what was to be behind me and actually had a good time. We went to fresnos after K.A. met us at maggie’s dorm around 10:30. She is such a sweet person its been a while since I’ve met a person like that. Sam her boyfriend was sweet as well and we had a few beers when he met up with us at Fresnos and got back to Maggie’s dorm around 1:30. I do have to say Maggie got drunk off of 2 sex in the beaches (smiles to myself). She’s so adorable when she gets tipsy i love it.

Well something funny also happened last night. I have been trying to get a national fraternity at my campus and have talked to afew people from the Theta Xi fraternity about coming on to the Farmingdale State campus as out first fraternity. Guess who is a Theta Xi brother? Yeah, the guy Sam I met last night. He really didn’t seem too interested in the frat so I kinda didn’t continue the subject with him although I would have liked to.

Last night when we got back I ended up going online and got my usual STA travel alerts and saw two places that never crossed my mind on visting, iceland and bolivia. They both seem like such interesting countries to go visit culture wise and just for fun things to do. I wish Maggie enjoyed the idea of travelling as much as I did :-/ . Oh, well I have no problem going alone but it’s always nice having a travel companion to go with you. Cause god only knows that if I go by myself I’m going to get in to some kind of trouble.

Enough of the travel talk cause we all know I’m a poor college student who never has any money. I guess now would be a good time to start reading for my classes before I fall really behind in them and don’t know where I am. I’ll probably start with my calculus class cause math textbooks suck to read and are so time consuming although, they are interesting.

Today has been a good day

September 30th, 2005 Posted in Archive | No Comments »

Today has been a pretty fun day! I’m in Albany right now visiting my girlfriend Maggie :-D…. I was so excited to see her cause I missed her lots. The amtrak ride was actually quite pleasant even though I hate spending alot of time sitting and doing nothing. I felt like I was going to go nuts! I woke up at 5:50 a little later than I wanted but I still got to the train station earlier than expected and literally by seconds caught an express train to Penn Station. It was like I bought the tickets went up the escalator with my 100lb bag and there was the express train. I was like cool! So I arrived at Penn Station and had to wait around for a little bit cause I was a half hour early. It was really comfortable having that half hour cause it allowed me to get situated.

Maggie and I have been having a good time so far. Today I remembered why I missed her so much. Everything just feels so right when I’m around her I love it! We’re so comfortable with each other that I can tell her anything in the world. I think she’s holding something back that she wants to tell me though but that’s another story all together. We went to this really good steak house Bugaboo and the food was fucking great! The burgers were so big I almost couldn’t finish ;-)., I said almost. I ate the burger with a vengeance cause I was sooo fucking hungry! We walked around the mall for like 3 hours and all I had eaten all day was a granola bar.

Well I have my beautiful girlfriend waiting in bed for me right now so I’m going to cuddle up next to her and give her some kisses and go into my world of everything being so right. Cause everything is so right. Everything is exactly the way is should be.