My Disillusioned Self

“im highly upset that you would leave us at bay for such a long and drawn out period of time. i know whats going on in your life so i need not such “catching up” but for those of them who do not know you on a personal basis, i dont know if they will be easily adjusting to this neglect. I also wonder who here actually cares but i know i do. i just cant imagine a middle aged dude in, lets say, wyoming, that would be chekcing your site everyday religiously. maybe there is …”

- Erin

I was suprised at the number of people reading my blog as well. My google analytics show that even after the lack of updates, people still come back to see if there’s anything new posted and to catch up on old posts.
I just kind of put this thing up here to vent and tinker with the ideas of life and see where it leads. Only by challenging the ideas and beliefs that we hold for that day can we really grasp the purpose of what we are trying to achieve. This blog is the replay of my life. It allows me to say in this large cyber-world, that I existed and had feelings and thoughts, and through those feelings and thoughts a place was found.

I’ve been receiving a lot of emails from people saying they think the same exact things and like reading my blog. I appreciate the email and feedback from all of you even though most of you don’t leave comments on the articles, it is appreciated highly.

So, if only for the purpose of keeping my fellow disillusioned peers company and letting them know that they’re not alone, I will continue writing this blog.

I hope it gives people much more than simple entertainment though. I hope it allows them to see into the mind of an average person just looking for a place in life. I hope it allows people to experience the uncensored thoughts of a human. We go through each and every day having to censor our feelings and what we say to avoid the unecessary consequence of offending people. Life is too short to worry about who we are offending because, no matter what you say, someone in this world will be offended just for the fact that you speak your mind.

I choose to speak my mind in a public forum for others to view because it gives me faith in humanity that people care what other people think. We’re all so different, yet, we are all exactly the same. I hope people come to realize this.

All I can say is Wow! Its been a long time since I’ve written in this blog. I know, I know, I’ve said before I would never stop writing in it for such a long period again. Well, I lied. And, as previously promised, I’ll make sure it never happens again . My next post will catch everyone up to where I am in life right now. After that? Well back to being disillusioned and you can hear some of my rambling again!

I was at the train station on Friday waiting to come home from a long day of work. Of course the bus was late and made me miss the train. So, where does that leave me? It leaves me waiting for the next train that comes in about an hour.
While waiting I was thinking, thinking can be a dangerous thing when you do not guide it. What keeps us going? I mean, what keeps us from jumping in front of the train when it passes by? What keeps us from just hitting the gas when driving and driving it off a cliff? What keeps us wanting to preserve life?
FEAR. It’s a scary word by itself. We all have fears whether we choose to recognize them or not. Fears of inability, incompetence, non-performance, Fear that maybe there is no point to everything or anything for that matter. Could life be completely unimportant and an accident?
A man interrupts me asking what time the train comes.
I ask “East bound or west bound?”
He looks at me with that confused look. I see he’s with his family and his little girl.
“To Penn Station or away from Penn Station?”
“To Penn Station” he replies.
I pull out my time table and tell the man the time. He thanks me and says that I look like i do this alot.
“Unfortunately” I reply.
“I hear that” he says.
Does he really hear that? A man with his family not knowing in which direction he is heading with them? Is he trying to say that he hears the inability to find direction? Maybe I’m looking to deep into it, maybe he just needed to say something as to feel important with the conversation.
I walk back and forth waiting for the train and listen to the conversation the parents are having with the little girl. It’s her first time on a train and she’s so excited! She says that she’s scared. How wonderful it is to be young and full of fear but so joyous of the unknown.
A train passes by. No, not my train just a train passing by. The sound is loud and almost deafning but I can hear the father yelling at the little girl to stay out of the yellow lines. Protecting her, protecting her from her joyous fear?
A not so old lady sits in a hospital as I’m waiting for this train. Single mother all her life. Got rid of the abusive husband and raised her child the best way she knew how. All her life was filled with tragedy trying to protect her child from knowing the fear of the world. She worked two jobs sometimes more to protect her child. Gave her child everything that she could possibly give.
The child gets pregnant and has a boy. Life will be hard for that child. Old lady is dieing and upset feeling like she could of given more to her child and grandchildren. She feels upset with life and the only other thing she regrets is not having an anniversary. Not having anyone to share those hard times with. She fears what the future holds and just wants someone there although, the future looks short and bleak.

My train arrives breaking me out of the gravity of introspection and I continue my day like nothing ever happened. Fear shielding me from exploring the thoughts of truth further. Fear hiding the details of life clouding them and tricking us into believing everything is alright. It is only at the end that we feel the fear that has been holding us back our whole lives and by that time it is to late.

Not to get all melodramatic or anything but, really, what is the point to life? I mean each day we go through the same routine and in the end what do we really accomplish? I personally know that every day I leave the house at 8:30 so I can make it to work at 9. When i’m at work what do I do? Well, that changes from day to day but nothing too drastic where I would call it any thing more than the same thing that I do everyday. I leave around 5 once in a while at 5:30 if i’m feeling particularly productive and then I head off to class, come home masturbate go to bed and repeat the same thing in the morning.
Justin! you say! What about the weekends? Well, the weekends suck too! I know that every friday that I’m going to go to either the Nutty Irishman or The Dizzy Lizard get wasted, dance, drive home somehwat drunk and pass out in my bed alone.
Now I know I’m not the only person who has fallen into a groove in life and does the same thing week after week. But what is the point in all the shit I do? What do I accomplish at the end of the day that is life altering or will change the world? Fuck! Why would I even want to change the world? What would be the point to that?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I love my weekends and i have a lot of fun at the clubs dancing with all the cute girls getting my dick rubbed etc. Why do i feel like there’s something missing? I feel like i’m misssing the point!
I started having these thoughts a couple of months ago when the weather was still nice. I was driving home from work on this particularly beautiful day and realized I couldn’t fully enjoy it! Sure I was able to appreciate its beauty and even revel in the nice temperature take a deep breath of the freah air. Is that really enjoying something beautiful? I digress, the point is that even with this beautiful day I felt cheated. I felt cheated because i was driving my car home for work. I felt cheated because my radio was intefering with the sound of silence. I felt cheated because of the paved road that is in front of me. I felt that technology was cheating me of what it is to be an animal! Shit I feel cheated right now because my cell phone is going off and won’t allow me to do deep into introspection.
What is wrong with classifying us as just animals? I mean when I tell people that we’re just animals and are motivated by what feels good I get weird responses. Maybe I’ve been trying to hard in life searching for a purpose. Making a meaning of something that has no meaning. I know that i’m a little crazy, shit I personally think I’m severly fucked up in the head and that no one will ever know what I am talking or rambling about. Kind of like this blog post. Will anyone understand a word of it? I mean, truly understand what i am trying to say. maybe, and i hope if you do understand that maybe you’ll leave me a comment and let me know.

So much has been going on lately it’s hard to keep up with everything. But, I will apease my faithful readers and give you something to read.

My laptop broke the other day so it has been hard to keep content coming on to this page because without a computer I can’t access the internet and type. Seems simple enough right?

I went out last night to a place called Mustang Sally’s. It’s not a nice place just a local dive that all the townies end up congregating at every so often. Thursday night happens to be $10 all you can drink budweiser and all you can eat wings. Damn, I just wish it was all you can drink Yueng Ling and then we would be in business. Needless to say the chances of me leaving there sober with the abundance of cheap alcohol available was very slim. It was slimmer in deed when you consider the fact that I’m a 21 year old college student who doesn’t get out as much as he should.

I really don’t like the bar atmosphere. Well, I do and I don’t. I never really understood all the proper protocols on how to behave at the bar. I go there with my friends all the time and it seems that no one there is sure as well. Everything has a procedure and a way of doing things. One procedure which still mystifies the hell out of me is the art of picking people up at the bar and proper ettiquette. As those of you who read this blog know I am not really a person who is socially inclined as far as relationship ettiquette is concerned. To me there is only 3 reason you go to a bar:
1) You are depressed about something and want to get hammered and forget about it
2) To have a good time with your friends and not want to meet anyone
3) To get some ass and if possibly maybe even slightly you like the person, talk to them again

Now, if I’m not doing either number one or number two you can sure as hell know there is no other reason for me to be at the bar besides trying to score a nice piece of ass. There’s only one problem, I hate, absolutely hate, despise with a passion, acting like we both don’t know why we’re at the bar talking and flirting with each other. I mean come on I hate the bullshit. Skip right to the chase and let’s go out to my car for a quickie or back to my house for some kinky sex til the sun rises. I mean really, why sit there waiting for me to get you loaded that way you come home with me and have substandard sex that I couldn’t even sell to a horny 14 year old. Ladies, I don’t want to bring home a sloppy drunk girl who can’t hold her booze it’s very unbecoming. What I do like to take home is someone who knows the deal and we’re both a little tipsy and we can go at it til the sun comes up. Needless to say I’m disappointed in the whole bar scene. So you may ask why don’t I go to clubs? My answer is I go to them also but, don’t even get me started.

Leave a comment… you know you want to…

Nothing new to write today.  Actually there is a whole lot to write but, that I will save for tomorrow.  I made a funny comparison today that I’m quite proud of because it’s humourous and I like it and will use it forever.

“Going out to clubs and bars is like the army reserve, give one weekend per month and 2 weeks per year and you’re guaranteed to get fucked.”

Why is it that the times that I write in my blog are the times that I’m either the most depressed or confused? I guess the reason has to be that I don’t hold back. Everything that I say and do online is the real me, this is my real journal.
Why do I write in my journal? I guess the reason would have to be that I’m always searching. What am I searching for? That’s a question I guess I have to eventually ask myself.
Life is funny. I’m not sure if it’s funny humourous or if it’s funny like sad. Can it be neither? It goes by so fast. One minute your next to the person you love and the next minute they’re gone. I called my ex girlfriend today;God I miss her. She answered the phone and was at a party. No suprise that I heard a guy in the background. What did I do?
It seems only yesterday that we were together and everything was alright. I can think back and remember everything. Laying there next to her had to be the best times in my life. Hugging her, kissing her, just being there next to her hodling her close. I wish I could pause all those moments and put them together and live them for the rest of my life.
I guess I should move on though. That’s what life is about right? Moving on without asking any questions always searching for something better than now. I’ll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. Why not RIGHT FUCKING NOW!? I’m sick of putting things off to tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do this, tomorrow I’ll do that, maybe tomorrow we should… TODAY is my day, TODAY is the day that I say I’m living TODAY. You know what fuck today! I’m living right now!
I think I’m a little crazy. Actually, I know I’m a fucking lunatic. That’s ok by me though because I never really knew how to live life until now. I’m always trying to please other people and make other people happy. Go to college, I never wanted to go to college. I actually wanted to go to culinary school. I’m glad I did go to college though. It has allowed me to find something I really enjoyed. But what’s the point? I mean why finish? Everything those “teachers” teach me is fucking easy. Why not just read a book that I spend $80 and say fuck the ridiculous tuition.
I don’t know. I guess that’s not really the point of this post. As a matter of fact It’s 5:30 in the morning and I have enought energy to go jogging and work out for hours. What am I trying to say? Well, I’m telling my ex I love her. If she reacts badly? Well then I guess I’m just shit out of luck. I’m going to lose 20lbs by the end of my summer and I’m starting right now. I’m about 21 years overdo. I’m finishing my website by the end of the week. I’m going to ace my interview on the 11th. If I don’t succeed who cares? I mean everything that I’m doing is because I want to right? Why live with any regret? I’m sure if I’m doing it it’s because I want to do it. At this point I feel like the only regret I will ever have is not doing what I want to do. NO MORE! I’m going to make sure I do everything I can to get everything I want. And if I fail? Who cares I wouldn’t of had it anyway. So what am I searching for? I still don’t know. What I do know is maybe what I am searching for is not important. Maybe the very act of searching is the lesson I have to learn. Maybe, just maybe, the whole purpose of life is to search, get lost, fail and pick yourself back up again and then when you’re just about to give up you stumble upon what you want. Poetic no? My life is my life and I’m in control of it.

I read something today. I wish I knew the address of the page so I could give the person propper credit but I can not find it anywhere. That being said I do not have the link and will paraphrase it for you.

A traveller was walking through the forest and came across a ferrocious bear. The traveller ran from the bear in the only direction that he could and ends up at the edge of a cliff. Petrified of the bear the man’s only chance is to climb down the cliff on a vine. The traveller begins his descent down the vine and sees at the bottom that there is a lion, waiting to devour him. To make matters worse, there are two rats, a white one and a black one, gnawing at the vine the traveller is on. The traveller is confused and does not know whether to climb back up to where he was and face the bear or to climb down the rope and meet his demise as the rats gnawing on the rope will surely kill him. At his moment of despair, the traveller catches a glimpse of something red in the corner of his eye. He looks and sees a strawberry plant with a red strawberry. Reaching out he grabs that strawberry and tates its delicousness, being completely lost in the moment.

Apparently my site is not keyword rich.  For those of you who have no idea what the hell I am talking about, let me explain.

Search engines such as google rank sites based on keywords.  A keyword is a word that is used often in a site.  For example, if I were to use the word sex a lot in my blog, sex, would be a keyword.

My only dillema is what keywords do I want associated with this site?  This is a personal blog and by its very nature covers so many different topics.  I find this whole keyword thing interesting and tomorrow will post a howto on making your site google friendly and how to get targeted advertisements on google using keywords.

Other than the keyword stuffing article I’m going to write tomorrow I’m seriously sexually frustrated.  I mean I need sex like woah right now and there’s nothing I can do about it.  Any female readers willing to help me out?

When did I become such a coward? I mean, it just kind of snuck up on me out of nowhere. I was at the bar the other night with my cousin Billy and his soon to be Son in Law Vinny, drinking pitcher after pitcher of Yueng Ling, when I see this beautiful girl. Now, I was sufficiently hammered at the time and by no means at all should have even had the idea of trying to pick someone up in my condition. But, that unfortunately is not the point. The point is, even while drunk, I didn’t have the balls to approach her. What is wrong with me?

The situation could not have been better. All her friends were dancing on the dance floor with some guys and she was sitting ALONE watching them with that look in her eyes that she wanted to be there also. How much better could that have been you ask? Well, she caught me looking, smiled at me and I still didn’t approach her! You know what I did instead? I downed two more pints of Yueng Ling and didn’t look that way for the rest of the night.

I find my social anxiety funny. Not funny ha-ha but, funny cry me a river type of funny. It never used to be so bad and I used to be able to force myself to cope with it and after a few minutes I would be fine. As I’m getting older though, it seems to paralyze me at social situations. I mean, how am I ever supposed to meet anyone new if this just keeps getting worse? Should I seek help? Am I broken? Is this normal? I don’t know the answers to any of the questions in my head. All I do know is that something in me has to change because, the way I am now is completely unacceptable.