My Disillusioned Self

It’s fucking done!!! I got it done I’m sooo happy!!! It didn’t hurt as much as I though it would but it still hurts like a fucking bitch! Just in case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I got myself an Ampallang! I will post pictures as soon as I heal a bit…. In the mean time I’m done with my craziness for today!! I’m going to try to give my body a rest.

Sincerely,
Guy with an Ampallang

I’ve officially lost in and I’m going to go crazy!! I’m seriously considering an Ampallang!!! I know I know… “Justin You’re gonna be pissing 3 ways from sunday. Not to mention it’s gonna hurt like a bitch!” I don’t know what to do I really really want one. I know my pain threshold is pretty high so that’s not the problem. The only thing I’m really concerned about is infection. I’m not really prone to infections but the whole idea of having my member pierced and it getting infected sends chills throughout my body. I’ve decided that I’m going to goto Body Design on Sunrise Highway to get it done. I’m not sure if I want someone to be with me or if I’m going to go by myself. Only time will really tell……… Well I’m making the phone call right now :-/ ….. I dunno let’s see if I can get the balls to go…. I’ll let you know what’s up!

What can I say? Maggie is back around! I think it’s a good thing that she’s back but, I feel like I’m being used! Hmm…. how about if I like being used the way she’s using me? Well I guess the real question is “Is she using me or was she just not sure what she wanted and now she realizes that she wants me.?”, time will only tell. We had a good night when we hung out on Saturday. It was a cross between childish highschool I like you games and that lustful everdying passionate love kind of thing.

I’m so hungry now I can’t even think. I decided to do an experiment on myself and see if I could turn a fat piece of shit stoner into something that resembles a hot guy with a cut body, who is 100% drug free, somewhat emotionally stable(and if not never shows it) and can control the world and his surroundings at will (that will be a work in progres!!!). I’ll let you know how that one goes. I figured starvation would be the first step in my humble begining. Now, Now, I know what you’re thinking!
“Justin! Starvation! come on I thought that was above you!”
Well hear me out. I figured if I keep feeding myself while I’m hungry and make sure I’m never not hungry I will begin to negatively associate food and thus eat less. Now after the hunger drives me completely nuts and I’m at what I consider an acceptable weight (170lbs) I will try to reassociate food with good feelings. While this is going on (remember I’m completely nuts now) I will have trouble keeping in my inner agression which unfortunately part of being an animal of the species Homo Sapien(it’s been three days and I’m ready to kill someone) and will need an outlet for that agression. Well that said outlet is either going to be me choking somone to death or perhaps if I can harness that energy usefully use it to cause an excessive compulsive disorder towards physical activity. Now this sounds perfectly logical to me and I figure it will take 8 months to finish phase 1 of this crazy fucking idea.

Oh yes, in case anyone is interested in my calorie intake it’s not a drastic as I make it seem. According to charts my body needs exactly 2300 calories a day to take care of normal day to day bodily functions (i.e. breathing, cellular respiration, heart beating, all that good shit that makes you alive). I cut my calorie intake to 1230 calories a day. To put that in perspective that’s the same amount a small frame 4′9″ female needs and I’m a medium framed 5′11″ male. Not that drastic you say! Yes, I do say! Each pound of fat is 3500 calories. That means I have to create a deficit in calories that equals 3500 for each pound I want to lose. Doing this while taking a daily multivitamin, eating healthy with those 1230 calories I’m consuming and puting myself on a minor exercise plan til I go nuts (then it’s all hardcore baby!) will keep my body healthy during this horrible horrible transformation.

With that all said I’m going to go study for my psychology exam (will be the first time I opened the book all semester) so I can get a 100.

I’m so fucking bored right now I can’t even begin to describe it. I need a hobby, either that or a girlfriend. Anyway besides my completely unbearable boredom I think I bombed two exams :-(. It fucking sucks I don’t know why but, my brain wasn’t functioning at all. It sure did pick a hell of a good time to go on strike. It’s probably not as bad as I think it is but that means I’m actually going to have to study and pull a 98 on the rest of my exams in those two classes. As is stands right now my GPA for all of my classes except for psychology is a 4.0 so that makes me happy(we’ll see after the exams come back). After the exams I stopped by Erin’s dorm to pick up a recomendation to dorm at the school next semester. She was in my opinion excessively nice in the recomendation but it was the perfect he’s nice and hasn’t tried to kill anyone type of recomendation that the school was looking for. After that we went to target so Erin could do some shopping and then I left afterwards because I was bored there as well. I don’t know I’m getting bored too easy lately and it’s not good because it seems that everything I like to do is now boring to me.

I’m looking to do some kind of weird geeky project but I don’t know what I want to do. I was going to build a car computer but after looking at the prices for part I decided that my car wasn’t worth the investment. I’m thinking about hacking something together with the YOPY with the broken screen and my old laptop that Jordan destroyed with the soda. Speaking of laptops I’m bidding on a nice Powerbook 17″ on ebay. I’m a little iffy about the seller because of the price of the Powerbook currently but all of his feedback checks out.

I’m sitting here next to her in this small, bare dorm room. One of those average small box type college dorm rooms, nothing special a few posters on the wall, a television, two small beds, two small desks, two small lamps, and a window adorning the wall, begging to be opened to ease the claustrophobia that is setting in. The only thing keeping me there is being completely and undeniably into her. Doing nothing in particular not wanting to do anything at all. Then, completely without warning the world stops as she sportively swings her head towards me, hair falling flawlessly on to her shoulders, accenting that undeniable beautiful face. A face so elegantly proportioned that the goddess Aphrodite would be jealous. She begins to smile at me with that coy, ravishing smile and those undeniably supple lips, perfectly poised as if asking for a a kiss. continuing to glance at me with those deep blue sapphire eyes, sad eyes, always burdened with the sorrows of yesterday. A deep blue abyss persistently calling me, dragging me, submerging me, entangling me, leaving me adrift in a bottomless sea of nothingness. That deep, engaging, vivacious look she’s giving with them, leaving me with the feeling of wanting to want more, it is such a tease. Speaking her soul in a glance, saying to me everything while saying nothing at all. Sitting here in this moment feeling completely engulfed by her beauty. Sitting here just being I can truly understand the meaning of a moment.

I am watching this ridiculous movie its sooo weird…. It’s called Just a Kiss (2002). It stars Ron Eldard, Kyra Sedgwick, Patrick Breen. It’s so weird I love it!!!!!!

I just don’t get it!!! I keep getting sick and it fucking sucks!!! All last week I was sick and could hardly even get out of bed and now this week I have Pinkeye!!! Oh Well that shit sucks. Its been a boring weekend for me cause I stayed in the whole time not really wanting to do anything. I should have been working on Circuit Design work figuring I missed three classes last week (because I was sick). I just have no motivation to do anything and its kind of getting ridiculous. I have to re-motivate myself and start to get things done again. I have alot of energy today and I dunno what to do with it all. Well I guess I’ll find something………

Wow! It has been a while since I posted. What can I say I’ve just been lazy… Well let me try to sum everything up because it has been a little crazy… (more…)

This about sums it up for the day…

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I’m being used
That’s okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she’s playing with me
That’s okay cause I’ve got no self esteem

chorus:
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah (repeat)

We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
this rejections got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so

Chorus

When she’s saying all that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she saying all that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

Now I’ll relate this little bit
That happens more that I’d like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
She’s drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that’s kind of hard when she’s ready to go
I may be dumb but I’m not a dweeb
I’m just a sucker with no self esteem

Chorus

When she’s saying all that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she’s saying all that I’m like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it’s better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!

I had a great time last night!!! My good friend Eli who I haven’t seen on forever gave me a call and we decided to hang out. Eli and I went to Military School together and we have always been very good friends since we met. Now that I think about it actually Eli is the only person I keep in touch with from there. Eli has been away at Navy boot camp and like I said it’s been a while since I spoke with him. I brought Erin along with me because she wanted to get out of the dorms and hang out. So I picked her up from the dorms after class and waited as she took forever to get ready quickly. I dunno about females when I say I’ll be out in 5 minutes I throw some water on my face put some socks and shoes on and out I go but, with females it’s like a whole big deal and takes forever. Well we ended up going to this guy Marians place I got into a “discussion” with Erin and she was being very bitchy about everything. I don’t think she likes the way I act around Eli but I like the way I act around Eli and people just don’t get how I really am. Well anyway Erin asked me and Eli to get her and leah beer because they failed horribly at it by themselves. So we went to pick up some beer and we picked up a case ourselves. We get back hand erin her change and she’s all pissed cause she thinks we bough I beer with her money!!!! Well fuck you!!!!!! We didn’t buy our beer which we were gonna share with everyone anyway with YOUR money. So we all start drikning and the little drama that was going on seemed to subside. Then Eli decides to slap Leah’s ass!!!!! Leah fucking freaked smacked Eli in the head with a beer bottle and Eli was pissed and the drama continued. Eli wanted to ditch them there and goto a bar but I wouldn’t let him ditch them so we ended up telling them and dropping them off and we went to some bar in Old Brookville. Well I went to the bar a little tipsy and when I came out I was completely hammered. We had a good time at the bar to say the least(the very least). One good thing is that I outdrank a sailor that night. After that Eli dropped me off to pick up my car anld I drove home completely destroyed. All in all it was a night to remember and I will never forget the face on Leah’s face when Eli smacked her ass lol. I’m kinda a little annoyed with Erin over the whole beer thing because that was kind of fucked up the way she reacted. Well I think people have been acting fucked up lately in general and I have no idea what is going on. Maybe I should just isolate myself like I did way back when in middle school. I was so happy not having to deal with people and that’s the reason for my many Faux Paus I make. Ohh well I’m starting to be a loner again and I kind of like it. But I hate to have the friendships I’ve mad thus far just dwindle away because of my wanting to be self sufficient. I dunno. Ohh well enough of this blog shit today I have some real work to do like sleeping and debating whether I should study for psych (I know I’m not so why waste the thought process). Other than that my next post is going to be about the IEEE student club I joined (I’m such a geek).

Ok now here we go. It gets better from the Kim and Tina story. As everyone probably knows if you’ve been following my posts I have broken up with my girlfriend of 8 years (on and off for 8 years). Want to hear the funny part!?!?!
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Ohh the Comedy of it all. I really have to wake up and start seeing what is going on around me. My problem is partially that I don’t want to admit to any problems that are blatantly obvious. Well today(well late yesterday early today) I started to realize the problems around me and I’m about to fix them completely. Well I’m not going to lie to anyone who might be reading this, but, it’s going to be a long post. Let’s start out with problem number 1…

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Well with all the confusion that I have been dealing with it’s a wonder that I’m still remaining sane. Today I realized a couple of things that I thought I should share. Everyone has something to offer someone else. I find it funny that people don’t realize what they have to offer and somehow take the crazy idea that they don’t have anything to offer and rationalize it. I see myself doing it and it scares me to death. People come to me all the time because I listen to them, well, I’m sick of listening!!!
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I’m ashamed of myself for this post…. I’ve finally done what I swore I would never do… I’m posting an online test to my blog!!!!!!!!!!! someone shoot me…

Sorry for the last post It made sense when I wrote it… but reading it while not messed up it dosn’t make any sense… kind of like… ohh well might as well break the viscious nonesense making process… Here’s something coherent:
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