My Disillusioned Self

Ohh no it’s that time again. I’m beginning to start my viscious cycle that I know is bad. If feels different this time likes it’s not going to affect me. I hope it dosn’t cause I definately don’t need that right now. Everything is really fucked up for so reason. I really don’t feel a part of what I’m doing yet for some reason it’s killing me inside. I have no idea what it is but I don’t like it. It’s like having the most beautiful thing in existence and then finding that you can no longer have it because of someone elses greed. It dosn’t really make sense but is it supposed to any way? What is the point? Will someone tell me please because I know someone has to know. Is this person keeping a secret so we will never know the true nature of it? Is the whoe purpose of it all to keep it a secret and wait to see if anyone else can find out? Yeah but that’s how the game is set up. The game is set up so you can never win. That’s it the purpose is to play the game with no winner. If there is a winner there would be a purpose to it all. So want you do is you obscure the truth of there being no winner with some lame idea of there being a secret. Then and only then would you accomplish something that seemed to be the truth but in fact has no answer. Because to have an answer there must be normal rules and normal rules would require a winner. But does that answer really explain everything? I don’t know let’s find out …

“I’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve found my friends …
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …
We’ve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care …
And I’m not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
’cause I’ve found god
Yeah (x6)

I’m so lonely but that’s okay, I shaved my head …
And I’m not sad
And just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve heard …
But I’m not sure
I’m so excited, I can’t wait to meet you there …
But I don’t care
I’m so horny, but that’s okay …
My will is good
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - I’m not gonna crack
I miss you - I’m not gonna crack
I love you - I’m not gonna crack
I killed you - I’m not gonna crack

I’m so happy ’cause today
I’ve found my friends …
They’re in my head
I’m so ugly, but that’s okay, ’cause so are you …
We’ve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care …
And I’m not scared
Light my candles in a daze …
’cause I’ve found god
Yeah, yeah, yeah(x2)

(x2)
I like it - I’m not gonna crack
I miss you - I’m not gonna crack
I love you - I’m not gonna crack
I killed you - I’m not gonna crack”

Well ladies and gents it’s over. Elizabeth and Michael have finally broke it off and this time it is for good. No happy goodbyes and no nice gently fairytale ending. Michael was right about what he thought Elizabeth wanted even though he would have never admitted it. Maybe it’s better after all but I can tell you that Michael now has to change his plans on life again. Michael’s life is just another tragic tale in this great big stage that we call the world. Ohh to top it off Michaels cat died today as well. So Michael can’t even have his cat to be around. At least Michael got to see his cat before it left him.

“Love is the bringer of happiness and the destroyer of reality. Lack of love is the bringer of sorrow and the destroyer of men.”

Well I haven’t posted in a couple of days and since it’s 1:09AM and that I have homework to do why not (anything to avoid the college work). Got into a fight with my girlfriend a few nights ago over something which unfortunately I can’t comprehend. I understand the situation perfectly well (I think I do at least) but comprehension of it is another story completely. Since then when I have called she has been very short with me and dosn’t call me back. I understand there could be reasons she can’t talk but a simple phone call saying “I was thinking about you and just wanted to say hi but now I have to go.” really dosn’t take alot of time. I decided to make a short story which you might find a little boring but the plot twists should keep you somewhat entertained. Well here it goes…
Ok, let us say that these two people are dating and that they both goto school but not near each other but they still are in the same state. For simplicity we’ll call these these people Michael and Elizabeth. Elizabeth goes to a private all girls school Upstate New York whereas Michael lives on Long Island and attends a state run school for the cost benefits. Michael and Elizabeth have known each other since they have been around 10-11 years old and have dated on and off repeatedly during this timeframe. When Michael was 14 he cheated on Elizabeth with a girl named Sandra. Sandra was very pretty and sexual active which was all a 14 year old boy needed to know to like her. Looking back at the situation Sandra had many admirable features but things didn’t work out and they broke up (Sandra and Michael ended up having to have a long distance relationship and we know the failure rate on those). Elizabeth was needless to say very upset with the relationship and found out Michael was cheating on her from her best friend Jessica. Some time passes and Michael and Elizabeth begin talking again when they realize that both of them still like each other and they think it would be in their best interests to get back together. Many arguments and breakups happen due to little disputes that arise here and there because of both Michael and Elizabeth’s inability to compromise so they break up constantly and constantly get back together (think of time off from each other but the reason being an argument of some sort). Elizabeth and Michael eventualy sort out their differences and end up dating this time around for abour 3 years when another hitch in their relationship arises!!!!!! It appears that Elizabeth has cheated on Michael!!! Now Michael trying not to be hypocritical but also very upset with the situation spends a massive amount of time trying to get the truth out of Elizabeth but fails and to this day does not know what really went on (he does know that Elizabeth was drunk one night and slept with this guy who she barely even knew and that was confirmed by her). Michael is upset by the whole situation and thinks there must be something that he has done wrong. Elizabeth apologizes but knows that is not enough because she really hurt Michael. Michael uses some “fuzzy logic” and determines that since he cheated on Elizabeth when he was 14 that he can forgive this unacceptable behavior at age 19. With severely damaged trust Elizabeth and Michael try to work everything out and agree that time is the only thing that can mend their relationship. Time does pass and everything seems to be going perfectly well between Michael and Elizabeth when they get themselves into another potential relationship ending situation… Elizabeth is cheating on Michael and she dosn’t know that Michael knows!!!!!!!!!! Michael finds out through a series of normal daily routines that Elizabeth might be cheating on him. Michael is hurt and goes through a denial stage denying that it is true and continues to believe that Elizabeth would never put their relationship in jeopardy after all that they have been through together. Well my friends this is where the plot thickens… Throught a series of unfortunate events Michael finds out that Elizabeth is cheating on him with an older man named Gordan who has a wife and kids and in Michael’s opinion is the stupidest mother fucker he has ever met (yes!!! one of those unfortunate events was Michael doing some undercover work of his own and meetin Gordan!!!!!!). When Michael felt he had sufficient proof of the infidelity on the part of his girlfriend he approached her by asking her if she knew a Gordan. Practicing something Michael likes to call truth avoidance by denial(probably blog about this some more tomorrow) Elizabeth knowing that she had been caught denied knowing him and assumed that would be the end of the questions because there is no way Michael could even know about Gordan. Well Elizabeth was given every opportunity to tell Michael what was going on and Michael was even going to try to work things out if Elizabeth came clean with everything he knew!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say Elizabeth made lie after lie after lie and kept tripping herself up on lies when Michael decided to end the relationship for good. Time passed yet again and Michael was having trouble sleeping, not eating, not hanging out with friends and not even talking to his own family that he loves so much, all in all Michael was a complete miserable mess for quite a while. Things changed and Michael met a few girls and dated them on and off but ended them because he didn’t really like them all that much. Sure these girls were nice, they were cute, and they were very sensual to say the least but they were lacking something that didn’t make them that attractive. More time passes and somehow Michael and Elizabeth begin talking again and try to sort things out so they could at least be friends. Michael has a problem with this because friendship is something that is based firmly on trust and that had obviously been violated by Elizabeth on multiple occasions. They become friends and then BEGINE DATING AGAIN!!!!! Yes can you believe it? Apparently Michael feels and Elizabeth confirms and they come to a mutual decision that they have been through alot together so what is one more thing. Like many times before things go good for a while and then they start to turn sour. Elizabeth is having some problems at school with her friends and tells Michael that she is to go up to Massachusets with one of her friends to see her friends boyfriend and his roomate who wants to meet Elizabeth. Michael is a little suspicious of this because Elizabeth and him still have alot of trust issues to work out between them and knows that this could potentially be a problem. Don’t get me wrong Michael is EXTREMELY happy that Elizabeth is opening up to him and telling him what is going on. It turns out that Elizabeth’s friend Erica is trying to Hook Elizabeth up with her fiance’s roomate!!!!!!! Elizabeth assures Michael that she is completely uninterested but Michael can’t seem to understand that fact of why someone would try to hook two people up when one of them has a significant other and is showing no interest. Well that answer is rather simple Michael thinks… maybe the person with the boyfriend is interested in meeting this roomate… but why? Michael tries to find out but dosn’t really do a good job and Elizabeth seems to be very reluctant on giving the why. It turns out that Erica broke it off with her fiance and now likes the guy that she was Supposed to be setting “Uninterested Elizabeth” up with. Talking with Elizabeth she seems very angry with Erica and Michael still can’t seem to grasp the reason why she would be angry. She wasn’t interested in him anyway right? Michael tries to get an answer out of Elizabeth and they get into an argument and she says she wants to meet other people. Michael dosn’t know how to take this and dosn’t know if she means that she wants to break it off with him and date other people or if she just wants to have more male friends and still date Michael. Michael asks more questions and still dosn’t get the answer to them just more and more questions arise which Elizabeth seems to be avoiding and/or not answering fully. Michael against his better judgement assumes he is over reacting about the situation and decides not to persue it any further. Michael then one day makes a phone call to Elizabeth and she dosn’t answer (she is known to screen her cell phone calls) so he calls the room and she answers!!! Turns out she does have her cell phone with her and she tries to get Michael off the phone fast saying that she will call him later on tonight that she has alot of college work to do. Michael agrees to speak with her later that night and goes to hang out with a friend of his Sasha. Sasha and Michael end of smoking a lot of weed and end up getting extremely stupid in the college dorms and just hang out in a semi-vegitative state talking and listening to music. Michael ends up going home completely blazed and passes out and wakes up around 10:00PM. Michael thought this was pretty good timing because this is the time Elizabeth usually calls him and he was really looking foward to talking to Elizabeth because he misses her alot and although they have problems they need to work on cares for her extremely. Michael calls Elizabeth and she dosn’t answer the phone. When she donsn’t answer that usually means she’s online so Michael sees that she not online and that she had literaly signed off 5 minutes ago. Michael decides to call the room thinking that her cellphone bettery is probably dead or her phone is turned off(it’s not because it dosn’t go directly to voicemail it rings for a while then goes to voicemail). Michael eventually gives up trying to contace Elizabeth and decides to work on his web page when he notices that Elizabeth usually acts like this when something is going on….. What could be bothering Elizabeth and should Michael be worried? I don’t know but it definatel seems like it’s going to be interesting so leave some comments in the mean time and wait for the next installment of……. Elizabeth and Michael (yeah I know I was looking for a better name myself.)

That’s all for today everyone. I was going to right about something a little more uppy in mood but I can’t seem to even want to.

- - - Justin - - -

Something to read……
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(19:06:21) I have been hurt but all things happen for a reason….I believe it was to find my fiance
(19:06:47) Me: everyone gets hurt very unfortunate fact of life
(19:06:52) everyone gets hurt it is how you recover that matters and shows the person you truly are
(19:07:01) Me: amen lol
(19:07:06) Me: when you getting married?
(19:07:27) we have not set a date because of me being in nursing school
(19:08:16) Me: Yeah that’s what sucks about school
(19:08:27) Me: big hitch in romantic planning
(19:08:35) I want to finish my education before I bring him into it
(19:08:50) yeah me being Jewish and him Protestant is another:)
(19:09:29) Me: lol I hate religion
(19:09:42) Me: I really do
(19:10:11) Me: All the wars fought for nothing
(19:10:18) it is a personal relation with G-d
(19:10:35) not organized…organized pisses me offf
(19:10:37) off
(19:10:47) Me: god?
(19:10:52) yup
(19:10:54) Me: are we not gods ourself?
(19:12:07) we are parts of G-d….he is part of all of our souls
(19:12:28) Me: or are we gods?
(19:12:41) Me: who have eternal life and the ability to know between good an evil?
(19:14:00) Me: Cause The Jewish belief and those who descend from it (catholic christian etc.) God says the only thing that keeps us from being gods is the fruit of life
(19:14:19) Me: which he promises us
(19:14:31) Me: he promises eternal life in heaven or hell
(19:14:52) Me: so we already have the knowledge and the life
(19:15:04) Me: so what keeps us from being gods ourself?
(19:19:28) yeah ok so this is denise
(19:19:32) and we have to go eat now
_________________________________________________________________________________
People Never answer me when I get them to back into the proverbial wall…..

I just realized something that I thought would be very important to post. Every decision that is made now affects the future. The past does not exist, the past is simply a memory, a ghost of failures that once existed but do not have any forebearance on the future. The future is a clean slate the sky is the limit and there is nothing that holds you down except for your own lack of motivation. Sure the past may have influenced where you are now, but NOW is where you can influence the rest of your future.

All I can say is I am completely blown away by my idea and I need some time to think it over more.

Well I was visiting a website today and saw a list of things to do before you die. This intrigues me and I decided to come up with my own rudimentary list of things to do. This list will be a work in progress and probably will eventually get its own page on this site. Alas, it does not have its own page and therefore it will start out as a simple post. Here is goes……

Ohh yeah this list isn’t in any particular order…
Ohh well that’s it so far…….

This is my first post on my online blog!!!!!!!! I finally decided to host my own blog and remove the old website. I am planning on doing a few online projects one of them is going to be http://www.geekyprojects.com. That site is going to contain directions to do all kinds of geeky things so I would bookmark it for future reference because you will definately be visiting it often. Otherwise I’m glad I got this blog up and running (was suprisingly easy!!!). I wizll be backporting some of my previous blog entries to this website (there wasn’t that many of them anyway) and will have them with the proper time stamps on the date that they were posted.

That’s about it (boring eh?)

Well I decided to start an online blog because that seems to be all the rage these days. I got back together with my ex-girlfirend yesterday and I’m kind of unsure if that was the right thing to do. We both care about each other still but is that really enough to keep a relationship together? Ohh well only time will tell and I’m young enough to give it time. Otherwise everything else has basically been pretty calm.. no partying… work… school… the normal stuff that I unfortunately have to do.

Til next time,
Justin